5 Things Not to Do When You’re Trying to Sell Your House

We’re listing our house this week. I’ve loved our little home in Mac-Groveland, but our family has simply grown too big and it’s time to move on. Since this was our first house, it’s my first time preparing to sell a property and I’ve learned a few things over the last few months, mostly about what not to do. Here are my top five tips if anyone out there is in a similar situation.


Whose furniture?

1. Don’t own a cat. Especially don’t own a long-haired cat that sheds all over everything. It makes vacuuming a Sisyphusian activity. If you’re being punished for being deceitful, it’s probably a self-deceit for believing that you could order new furniture without the cat making it into her furry nesting grounds.


2. Don’t have kids. They’re wonderful and add meaning and depth to your life, but if you’re trying to stage your house for a sale, maybe think about summer camps. Long summer camps.


3. Don’t have kids that are three and one. The exception to #2, of course, is if you have strapping adult children who own moving trucks and know friends with healthy backs and a willingness to be paid in pizza. These types of children are assets at this time in your life. Don’t have children under fifteen years old. If your kids are three and one, for example, you might want to give up now. They will become little tornados that make you contemplate the principles of chaos and decay, resulting in a deep-seated dislike of organic chemistry.


4. Don’t have a birthday party for the kid that’s turning one. It’s not like this child will know she’s having a birthday and expect the subsequent presents, cake, and fanfare. She will probably be just as content trying to chew the sides off a cardboard packing box. Whatever you do, don’t have the birthday party less than a week before you are listing your house and try to make a feast and a homemade princess cake and entertain twenty people. You are just being silly.


5. Don’t have a blog. You will not be able to maintain this blog during your sale preparations. If you do have a blog, have the good grace to write a program that makes it look like your website is down for maintenance or has been compromised by elite Chinese hackers.

And on that note, I have some antivirus software to install. It may take several days, or weeks, to reboot. Please stand by.