Children’s Books Retitled for Parents

When I found out I was pregnant with my first baby, I didn’t run out and start buying cute outfits or plan the nursery decor. I began stocking the library. I daydreamed about reading certain beloved books to my child and passing on the passion for literature that I’d discovered by my mother’s side as she read those same books to me. Even my baby shower was literary. Instead of bringing a pack of diapers, guests were asked to bring a favorite children’s book for us.
My son is three now and after years of bedtime stories, he’s developed exactly the sort of attachment to his books that I wanted. And I’ve developed something, too. By re-reading all those classics from my bona fide grown up perspective, I developed the realization that most of the titles are, shall we say, lacking in proper description of the subject matter. So I’ve taken the liberty of proposing a few revisions.

5.   The Giving Tree, by Shel Silverstein

Revised Title: Narcissism for Beginners

4.   Winnie-the-Pooh, by A. A. Milne

Revised Title: Bumbling Gluttony for the Win

3.    One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, by Dr. Seuss.

Revised Title: Creepy Animals To Suddenly Remember at 3:00 a.m.

2.    I Love You Forever, by Robert Munsch.

Revised Title: You’re a Brat and Then I Die.

1.   Harold and the Purple Crayon, by Crockett Johnson

Revised Title: Find a Marker and Draw on the Walls, Furniture, Doors, Carpet, Cat, and Television. Then hide the marker.